Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
— MerGyver (@HoneyWooWoo) May 1, 2015
*on a first date*
Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 14, 2015
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 1, 2016
Me on a 1st date: so yes I have a dog he is my child I need assure that u will be a positive influence in his life. Is that a problem?
— Jenny from the Blocc (@mcclapmyhands) June 8, 2016
*dont let him know you been stalking him
Him- so my brother just got deployed
Me: Josh or Brian?
— CanadianQueen (@Canadian_Cutie_) January 30, 2016
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) May 22, 2016
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 19, 2016
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) September 24, 2015
Maybe next time i could meet your dog
Your dog is so cool
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you
— Lazy dog (@LaziestCanine) October 22, 2015
Him: You’re amazing! I’m having a great time!
Me: I will fight you for the rest of this pizza.
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) May 15, 2016
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
— AZBaseballMom (@joci2203) April 18, 2016
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) March 24, 2016
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) March 10, 2016
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) April 16, 2015
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) April 15, 2016
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) March 31, 2016
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
— batkaren (@batkaren) January 12, 2015
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?
Me: Hey! Come back!
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) January 9, 2016
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) January 4, 2016
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
— Dylan Mangan (@dyldonot) February 18, 2015
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) October 28, 2015